As I have mentioned many times before in my past blogs, I have battled with my weight for most of my life. I have never been "thin" by societal standards. I have gained weight in periods of stress or some challenge that I subconsciously did not want to deal with. Food has been my saviour since I was a baby. Especially the sweet stuff! When I was toddler, I was always rewarded with sweets from my parents' friends and neighbours. When I was about four years old, I ate a whole bottle of children's aspirin because I thought it was candy. The doctor said I would be fine because I was a strong girl. Maybe he meant that I was fat girl and that my weight in that instance had saved me. Anyway, so on a physiological level, there is a positive association with food that goes beyond survival needs.
I have also been on a lot of diets for many years. So my body has gone through the calorie deficits, the overexercising, the vomiting, and the binging for nearly three decades. I wasn't conscious about the need to diet probably until I was in my teens. I was once told by an ex that I must be eating cakes all day because he thought I should be weighing less with all my exercising. As much as those words were hurtful, he had a point. I was overexercising, but the body did not transform. The paleo folks would say the reason why I gain weight is because I have too much carbs or processed sugars still in my diet. Other health enthusiasts would say is because I eat too much. The gluten free people would say it is gluten. The whole foods people would say it is too much processed food. I am actually very careful with my diet. For many years, I ate low fat mostly and lots of vegetables. I never overdone too much except the occasional binge.
I am reading now Gary Taubes' book "Why do we get fat?". He has made some interesting points that there is growing obesity amongst poorer populations which may tie back to low food quality. I noticed this when I assisted at an art show at our school. I looked in to the audience and I was astounded by how many overweight people there were. I also know that this population is a low income population and work their butts off to earn that money. Most of them are not white collar workers and do physical labour and work long hours. So ideally they should be skinny people. The work conditions have not changed, but the access to better nutrition has become more out of reach since good food is far more expensive. That part, I fully understand and I am amazed by seeing this connection. However, I do not work in the same conditions as these folks and I live fairly comfortably. I stay away from fast food and mostly processed foods. So why am I not a size 2?
My only schtick that I have with all the nutrition enthusiasts is that I represent the population that does not use food as fuel. All our basic needs are met. Food is actually something else. I have discovered that unless I do not snap the root of my food addiction relationship, no diet of any form will matter. I will overeat eventually. I will also pick sugary foods eventually. It happens when I am not even aware of it. I am hard wired for it. It happens when I am stressed, overwhelmed with work, bored, lonely,angry and sad. It is a saviour in times of uneasiness and discomfort. It goes back to infancy! What I am trying to say is that having a clean diet is not the issue for me nor is exercise. There is a much more underlying layer that I don't think has been publicly addressed well.
Solution? I think it is finding a way to get to the root of this problem. One solution presented to me was replace it with something else. At one point, I considered smoking since it would satisfy the addiction at some level. But again, not good for my body. I don't know yet, but when I will find it, I will let you know. I am just going to be happy with my body. Eat when I am hungry and never ever deprive myself again for the sake of fitting in!
Until next time,
Helga
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