If you had met me ten years ago, I would have told you that what I placed above everything was to have that perfect soul mate. My personal Jesus who would save me from everything only because I would be loved unconditionally. It took me a few years to discover that you never ever measure your worth according to the action of others. You have to be your own saviour. There is a lot of literature that gear towards: "Love thy self so that you can love and have others return that love to you". But this is not what my post is going to be about. Love does not stop at romantic connections , nor it shouldn't. I want to talk about the invisible lines that we have drawn in relationships with others. I was brought up to believe the pinnacle of love is selfless love. I found through my own role model and through my own practice of this idea, there were damaging effects on our self esteem. So where are the limits? Or are there any?
My father passed away seven months ago with lung failure. He was my model for selfless love. He put himself aside for his parents, siblings, and for us. But it cost him. People took advantage of his kindness to the degree that they would cross lines and he would not defend himself. He carried that with him. I would hear him talking to himself and I think he was reliving those events in his head to somehow correct those situations. His father never acknowledged him and told him that he did "crap" for the family when meanwhile, my grandfather quit his job because my father would send all his money that he scrounged up in Canada, which was very little, to support him back in Portugal. His selfless love for his parents and siblings was destructive. His example shows that one has to have healthy self love in order to maintain healthy balanced relationships. My father lucked out with his daughters who never troubled him and showed him how much he was worth. I do not know if that taught him about his worth, but he left this world knowing that his presence was meaningful in our lives.
When I was four years old, I got a Christmas gift of barbie clothes for my doll. I took it to kindergarten and another girl asked if she could borrow them for her doll. So I exchanged it with her because I wanted to be selfless and nice. I got into trouble by mother over it. I asked for the clothes back and she never gave it back to me. I was being selflless in that moment by sharing and as a four year old, I felt cheated. For years, I asked for them back in grade school and she told me that she gave them to her niece. I felt cheated and berated "myself" for being so trusting. I was the worthless one in that exchange. I did it because I was taught that you were suppose to take the clothes off your back to give to someone else. I had every right to say no and be selfish. I also had every right to demand them back, but I didn't. I didn't because I felt that I deserved to be cheated out of my gift because of my poor four year old judgement. Perhaps this is not a good example of selflessness in relationships, but it is clear to me that when you become a doormat, people will take full advantage of you because of your own desire for them to love you back. Just like certain animals can smell fear, people can smell low self esteem. And that alone stems from the "lack of self love".
Here are the demarcation points that I have discovered. Selfless does not mean being less of self, but to step out of one's self to help the other. It may be not be true to your experiences, but has been with mine. You are worth defending yourself. You must set boundaries with people. Stand your ground, but be respectful to others in your relationships. You must respect yourself FIRST (not in an egotistically way, but in a loving accepting way) before others return that respect. Now here is the spin. Empathy is important. "Walk a mile in someone else's shoes." But the shoes are not yours and they are not about you. Empathy is a good tool, but it is not meant for blood self sacrifice. It is a tool that brings peace to people by creating harmony and understanding of the other. The whole idea of selflessness is to understand the "other" and to exercise compassion for the other. In that vein, you step out of yourself for a moment to be that higher love. Higher love does not mean destroying your own healthy self esteem. It is a balance and yes, sometimes, lines have to be drawn. Sometimes, we have to say "no" to our loved ones for the sake of that delicate balance.
In Self-full Love,
Helga
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